You know that feeling that you want something really bad but you can’t have it or don’t know what it is yet. That same feeling that you have everything but you still want more but you don’t really know what you want until you find it in some strange place.
Last year before Christmas I lost a dear friend of mine, he was much older then me and also he took the role as my father figure when I was younger. As some of my friends knows I have been through a lot of shit in life, some of them moments left scars under my skin, you can’t see them but they are there. As a youth I was really in a bad place in life, I didint know what to do or where to go or turn to, I couldn’t talk to my mom about it cos the was going through a lot other things. I was 16 when everything happend.. I met my biological father for the first time, my moms aunt died 2 months after we got home from PH, I found out my mom was diagnosed with cancer and in the middle of everything I was sexual abuse by a family member.
When your a teen and have lot of those things going on in your life you start to feel like you wanna die or alredy feel like your dead cos no one is there to help you and tell you that it’s not your fault that what happend to you is on that adult who is spouse to protect you.
I started to back away from my friends and I began to be self destruct.. I started to cut my arms.. hit my fist in the wall and even try to hang myself.. angry.. neglected.. hurt.. abandoned and Un wanted until i started to talk to this one man.. A person who became my father figure.. someone I could talk to and confined to.. someone who loved me and wanted me as if I was his own daughter.
From him I learned to love myself and accept that it was not my fault what happend to me. He often told me that I was not stupid or ugly.. that God made me just the way he wanted me to look.. that I’m a very loving full person and was often very happy child and always caring for the people I love. He always reminded me that I was wanted and loved that I always had someone to talk to when I feel sad or down or even happy.
Today is one of those days that I just want to cry and need to talk to someone.. but I remembered that you are not here, I can’t send you a text message or call you anymore. I feel empty inside.. it’s empty without you.
You where buried more then a week ago.. but it’s just now that I realized that you are gone. I want you back.. cos I need you here.