Still lost

I haven’t being blogging that much lately because have been having a lot of things in my head. Lately I’ve being  feeling sad, not sad but a bit lost so much has been going on around me all the time that I don’t even know what to do or what to say at the moment I just want to lay down under my covers and hide.

I have being forced to make some changes because of some unexpected happenings in my family. In the end of this month my mom will be out of work and I will be the only one who will have a job to provide for my family at the moment. So now I have start to work in another area that I don’t like but I have to for the sake of my family so now I’m beginning to wonder if I made the right decision, I put aside my own happiness and my dreams for the people that I love, I realized that sometimes you have  to sacrifice for what’s best for your family.

My biggest dream would be that I have my own place to run and do all the things and I want to.  Working in the kitchen is the best thing and the best feeling that you can have if you’re really want and love working with food, someday I will have my own restaurant maybe not now but I will in the future cuz that’s my goal and that’s my dream.

Lost..

There was a moment I thought I would be free from heavy shit this year but I guess this year suck ass!

I was happy at the moment cos I finally got a job where I could stay long enough to not get bored.. (so i thought) but apparently the company screwed me over (no need to go in details for that at the moment).

This summer I lost family members one by one witch made me even more fuckt up cos one of them was my grandmother who I was really close to, I can’t say I feel good cos I don’t. . I really really want to just let it all go and hide from the world at the moment.

In general I feel like shit now!!

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Urban Deli Sickla

We went to Sickla last week on Thursday, they showed us around and met some of the people who workes there. It’s a really nice place we even had lunch there and I’m telling you, it’s was a really good food.

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New job

Hey everyone.

So I just started at a new restaurant where me and my co-worker L are the “head chef” of the brakefast that will come out to our guest and staff.

I’m happy with my new job and hopefully I be staying here for a long time. I love the people that I met and starting to be friends with, we all start from the bottom och we gonna rise together to the top.

Yesterday we had a mingel party with some stand up comedy and after that we had some wine with a few snacks.. it was really good and a nice way to actually hang out with all the staff.

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Writers block

Hey guys

So yeah I know.. I haven’t been blogging much latley.. thing is.. I just don’t know what to write about anymore.. and also on a personal note.. This past months have been really hard for me.. my grandmother and aunty past away just 3 days in between and my best friend moved back to Morocco.

This summer has been hell for me, I feel empty most of the time.. I want to cry but I can’t, I feel lost and don’t know what to do.

I lost people who ment everything to me.. This are the people who gave me love, hope and happiness.. now that they are gone I just don’t feel any of it.. it’s just sadness inside.

Give me some advice on what to do.. cos I don’t really know. I don’t know how to make it stop hurting.. sometimes I feel like I can’t get any air.. or that I should just fall asleep and never wake up. I feel empty and broken.. well I am broken.. for now.

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I just can’t anymore!

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Easter dinner with family

           Happy easter people!!!

It’s easter and we just had a great family dinner tonite not just to celebrate easter but also celebrating my big brother on his birthday it’s originally on the 9th but we did it today instead  (Sunday the 5th).

We went to Grill it was a open meat buffé and I can honestly say that it was that good and it was a cool place too but also weird with all those manicans around.

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I just notice I’m behind school projects.. crap!!

My weight problem

For a long time now people have been hinting that I’m getting fat and that I should loose weight.. well people I am awear of my weight but it’s not that easy for me as it is for some people.

First of all I have been fighting this battle for a long time… it went really well until 5 years ago when I got in a car crash witch results that I started to eat pain killer and still do from time to time becose of the injury I got.
Pain killers don’t work for me after a month.. I need to change it from time to time cos the effect that I get from those pills just runs off from my system. My mom told me that I was born a pre-mature and was really sick so I had to be in the hospital for almost a year cos of complications and that I was crying non stop cos I was in pain so they had to give me pain meds.. so now that I’m older.. Every pain meds I get just runs off my systems after a while… witch also make me stay in weight and have trouble loosing it.

I know some people think I’m just being lazy and that I can lose it if I just want to.. but let me tell you.. it’s hard for some people to lose it!! For 5 years I have had 12 different meds.. not only for pain but also for my allergies and yes I said 12. I do exercise by walking for 2 hours and jogging it helps from time to time but I don’t lose weight that fast as some people.. If I don’t exercise everyday I gain weight.. now in my line of work.. I really need to do it everyday but sometimes I just don’t have time for it cos I’m not home until late. 

We will see how this will work.. but for now.. I’m just gonna go with the flow. Also yes I am eating healthy food but it’s not that easy.

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I miss you <3

You know that feeling that you want something really bad but you can’t have it or don’t know what it is yet. That same feeling that you have everything but you still want more but you don’t really know what you want until you find it in some strange place.

Last year before Christmas I lost a dear friend of mine, he was much older then me and also he took the role as my father figure when I was younger. As some of my friends knows I have  been through a lot of shit in life, some of them moments left scars under my skin, you can’t see them but they are there.  As a youth I was really in a bad place in life, I didint know what to do or where to go or turn to, I couldn’t talk to my mom about it cos the was going through a lot other things. I was 16 when everything happend.. I met my biological father for the first time, my moms aunt died 2 months after we got home from PH, I found out my mom was diagnosed with cancer and in the middle of everything I was sexual abuse by a family member.

When your a teen and have lot of those things going on in your life you start to feel like you wanna die or alredy feel like your dead cos no one is there to help you and tell you that it’s not your fault that what happend to you is on that adult who is spouse to protect you.

I started to back away from my friends and I began to be self destruct.. I started to cut my arms.. hit my fist in the wall and even try to hang myself.. angry.. neglected.. hurt.. abandoned and Un wanted until i started to talk to this one man.. A person who became my father figure.. someone I could talk to and confined to.. someone who loved me and wanted me as if I was his own daughter.

From him I learned to love myself and accept that it was not my fault what happend to me. He often told me that I was not stupid or ugly.. that God made me just the way he wanted me to look.. that I’m a very loving full person and was often very happy child and always caring for the people I love. He always reminded me that I was wanted and loved that I always had someone to talk to when I feel sad or down or even happy.

Today is one of those days that I just want to cry and need to talk to someone.. but I remembered that you are not here, I can’t send you a text message or call you anymore. I feel empty inside.. it’s empty without you.
You where buried more then a week ago.. but it’s just now that I realized that you are gone. I want you back.. cos I need you here.

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Words hurts more then actions cos every word that you will ever hear will be stuck in your heart wether it’s good or bad.